The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
