I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
