And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
