My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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