Slut skills are useful in every country.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
