does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
