I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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