at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
