The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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