The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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