I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
