Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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