I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
