dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
