Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
