Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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