you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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