Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
