Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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