Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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