the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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