So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
