how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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