i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
