i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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