Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
