So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
