hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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