Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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