Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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