jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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