so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
