the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
