I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
