I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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