Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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