Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
