My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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