At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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