i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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