My friends, they love my intelligence
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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