70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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