i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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