Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
