You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
