just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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