I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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