Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
