Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
