I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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