I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
it's great music for shaving your balls
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
